Oprah Winfrey says: “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.”
Henry Ford said: “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
SO TRUE! We should all be tripping over ourselves to TAKE RISKS and FAIL FAST. But why is it easier said than done?
Born and socialized female, we are repeatedly fed messages, both subtle and direct, that we are lesser than. Even if we are encouraged toward excellence and ambition, we still encounter, to our chagrin, those bottom-line moments of truth reminding us that we exist on a lower rung of the totem pole, simply because we are female. In most countries today, gender equality is not yet reality. So, in addition to systemic external conditions that serve as barriers, like glass ceilings, we can also factor in our internal state of mind which may be, understandably, less than fully confident and empowered. Our internal barriers are just as real because, in effect, they keep us from realizing our full potential.
Like everyone else, we want to be liked and accepted. Yet with that nagging (and often unconscious or hidden) woman’s worry about either ‘not being good enough’ or ‘being too much’, we can end up trying to overcompensate or underachieve. See if you recognize a bit of yourself in these common responses (you are not alone!):
Unrealistic Expectations
Nobody likes feeling lesser than. We all want to be the heroines in our life story. But too often, we women are told what kind of heroine we ‘should’ be, and it’s usually in service to someone else. If you want to be liked and accepted, be a good daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, neighbor, volunteer, worker. There’s nothing wrong with this, except when you allow it to hijack your own needs in the process. In response, we may try to be a Superwoman who does everything well; or a martyr saint who sacrifices everything, including herself, for others. What we are exploring is the right to be a heroine on our own terms. Whose version of ‘heroine’ are you trying to be: yours or someone else’s?
Perfectionism
Too often, we women are never satisfied with ourselves as we strive for perfection. What part of wanting to be perfect is fed by the underlying belief that we are not (and may never be) good enough or worthy, because we are female and not male? This kind of striving belies buying into the role as victim in our life, rather than as the leader, or Queen. It is an unhealthy source of motivation toward excellence that feeds on our own insecurity. Instead, reach for the best from a place of self-confidence from knowing your self worth.
Imposter Syndrome or ‘Mini-Me’
Too often, we women damn ourselves if we do (it was not talent but luck, a fluke); and especially if we don’t (this proves I’m a fraud, not good enough). In the past, we heard others expressing disbelief in us and criticizing us, either for ‘not being enough’ or ‘being too much’. But by now we have internalized this voice, so that we no longer need others to minimize us because we do it to ourselves, automatically! Instead of accepting that we are only human like everyone else, and cutting us a break, we get tough on ourselves. Or, instead of standing tall and fully taking up our space in all our awesomeness, we shrink ourselves down so as not to appear cocky (‘like a man’).
Instead of accepting thanks and patting ourselves on the back, we focus on our imperfections and giving credit to others. How does this kind of behavior sabotage our efforts to be, and be seen as, leaders at work? Surveys show that women often underestimate our own performance while men overestimate it (1); and both men and women view successful women as less likeable than successful men (2). In what way does our being ‘an imposter’ keep us small and in check, to avoid stepping outside the social bounds of being accepted and likeable as women?
Recommended Resource: 10 Tips to Overcome Imposter Syndrome https://www.girlsguidetopm.com/10-tips-to-overcome-imposter-syndrome/
Fear of Failure
What is it about ‘failing’ that foreshadows and triggers feelings of unworthiness and humiliation for many of us? You can repeat the “Even if I fail, I’m OK” mantra 10,000 times and still feel yucky. That’s because in reality, IT IS STILL NOT OK TO “FAIL”! This belief is integral to today’s traditional, mainstream work cultures. And as a sociological and psychological reality, it is doubly true for women (or any minority group) trying to pull themselves up the established hierarchy of status and success. It is also the bedrock of modern civilization as we know it, which has historically been male-oriented and ‘command and control’ based, pushing global workforces to strive for more, faster, better, and in linear, turbo-charged fashion.
However, more attention is now being paid to the value of diversity in both workforces and work processes. As for work processes, field experience is proving that “better” may be gotten in different ways. Innovation and creative outcomes often result from curiously meandering, organic, iterative, and alternative means. Such paths involve taking risks and, if things don’t work out, applying an experimental, fail fast and pivot strategy. Also, most entrepreneurs confess they first learn critical lessons from their many failures in order to finally succeed. We may need to reframe our fixed ideas of “success” and “failure” if we are to eventually succeed. Failure is not a permanent condition; it is a temporary, and often necessary, step in the process.
As for workforces, field experience is also proving that innovative and productive team output often benefits with input from team members whose diverse backgrounds and perspectives enrich the collaboration. And that especially means women who can apply the valuable, and much needed, characteristics of female leadership. So management also needs to reframe their fixed ideas of what “leadership” should look like, beyond the “old boys’ club”, if the organization is to remain competitive and succeed long term. But if the powers that be in your office aren’t exactly volunteering to give you a seat at the table, it must rest with YOU and all of US to gently wrest away our fair due, frankly, for the good of all concerned. Don’t you agree?
What do you need to do to decisively choose your path, clear a space for yourself to move forward, and pull your own seat up to the table?
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Now, if you haven’t felt seriously put off by anything you’ve read so far, you deserve a lot of credit. YAY! (Btw, did you notice that cheeky ‘Warning Label’ at the bottom of our homepage? “Ingesting this material may be hazardous to your current, cushy way of thinking, catalyze life change, and help you realize your dreams”). Girls, this work is not for the weak of gut. On the other hand, all you need to do is to stay open-minded. That’s it.
So now, I’d like to initiate (some of) you, into the heavier, deeper stuff. This may get uncomfortable, but it’s where the action is, and it’s what’s running the show, guaranteed.
Here goes:
Anti-discrimination educator Tom Wise writes, “The nature of privilege is that you don’t have to think deeply about your privilege if you don’t want to”. How right he is. Men in power can afford to enjoy their higher status position without even thinking about it, or about the lower status of women and other minorities, if they choose not to. Political strategist Erikka Khuti writes, “I can see where it would be uncomfortable for people to admit that their lives are shaped by unearned advantages, especially in an environment where those advantages may be beginning to slip away, but the blindness itself is a part of the problem.”
Those who discriminate, bystanders, society, and even women who are being discriminated against, we may all practice and enforce what experts in the field call “victim-blaming”. This means that not only do we feel bad that we are not good enough/too much and try to compensate for it, but we may also blame and shame ourselves for our inadequacy so as to deserve the injustice we’ve been subjected to. Experts say this can create stress, feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, confusion, and disorientation. Talk about bearing a heavy load for doing absolutely nothing wrong except being female!
Blame and Shame – Researcher Brene Brown says that blame simply serves as a way we discharge discomfort and pain. In a given situation, women tend to blame ourselves for not being good enough, instead of making others accountable. Why? Because, we think we can at least CONTROL the situation if the buck stops here, with us. It is a lot LESS PAINFUL to beat up on ourselves (and then try to turn into Superwoman or Saint Joan of Arc to try to ‘fix it’), than to admit that our world is unfair and sometimes even hostile to us. That might be too stressful to believe and to deal with on a daily basis.
When we unfairly blame ourselves, we buy into the critical voices in our mind, and can feel ashamed. As Brown explains, shame is not saying, “I made a mistake”; it’s saying “I AM the mistake”. Shame tends to come with being a woman socialized to be lacking in her sense of worth, love, and belonging. She may fear she is not worthy of connection with others, and may hesitate to take the risks needed to succeed. Stuck in the cycle of self-blame and shame, we will never fulfill our innate and full potential. The antidote to shame is EMPATHY; having appreciation and compassion for yourself as well as others; a foundation of internal well-being as well as external success.
Recommended Resource: Brene Brown, “Men, Women and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough”
How to Turn it Around
It is possible to better manage our inner state of being. Even if acquired early in childhood, we can change our habitual patterns of thought and feeling so that we respond more effectively to people and situations we find challenging. The outcome we work most toward here is AWARENESS:
1. Notice how we are being (Point A) vs. how we want to be (Point B), in this situation
2. Catch ourselves during that critical moment of “Uh oh, it’s happening again”
3. Take a quick time-out to step back
4. Let go of any emotional charge in the way
5. CHOOSE our desired Point B instead, with our head, heart, willpower
6. Create genuine energy around your new intention/direction
7. Step into it and go for it – – claim your due!
Remember: “Well-behaved women seldom make history”
– Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Let’s do it together!
Our mission at Power to the Queen is to create the perfect space for professional women to realize their dreams. Let us help you power through your “buts and barriers” for better, faster results, guaranteed. Get the compassionate support you need (and deserve) with our Blog site, Webinars, Workshops, and 1-on-1 Leadership Coaching. We can’t wait to hear from you! Click Here
(1) S. Scott Lind et al., “Competency-Based Student Self-Assessment on a Surgery Rotation”, Journal of Surgical Research 105, no.1 (2002): 31-34.
(2) 2003 Heidi/Howard Test Columbia/NYU
Copyright Nancy Chen and PowertotheQueen.com, 2019